It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
happy friday
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.