I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
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Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’