Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
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Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Yes, but it was never about money
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.