me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
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Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
*orders delivery*
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
me adding lol on a serious message
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!