Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
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I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.