[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
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Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.