JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.