Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
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My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.