After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
You Might Also Like
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
finally found a reasonable question
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I’m too immature for adultery.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening