GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
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The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Cow it started Cow it’s going
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!