Taking phone security to the next level.
You Might Also Like
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Good advice.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there