North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
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[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.