She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years