I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool