*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
You Might Also Like
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
A new level of troll.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Festive toon…
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
FINE, I WON’T.