90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
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[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.