I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
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I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I have obtained a hat
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this