[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
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Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
mmm onion ringos
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*