Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
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Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
🤣😂🤣
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it