Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right