I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
went fishing caught a bass
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.