My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
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Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.