My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”