I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
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Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”