BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
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Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.