Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
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[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…