Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
You Might Also Like
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.