I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Had an epiphany today.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing