Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*