Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*