Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
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First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.