*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
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My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.