me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
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Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.