My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
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Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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u spoke cat all this time??????
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Good morning!
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
The Book. The Movie.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Have kids, they said
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.