4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
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I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Most fashion shows these days…
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO