I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
You Might Also Like
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.