ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
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Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Feels
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer