My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
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Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.