*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
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[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep