Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
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In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?