me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
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If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
*cough*
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.