Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
You Might Also Like
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Swedish for common sense.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Not today. 😅
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
mood
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’