My favorite farside!!
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imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”