That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
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[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?