There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I told my vodka about you.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
just witnessed a drug deal
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️