Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
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I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
A game married people play.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.