Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Just parrot things
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January