While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
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Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
In case you needed to hear it:
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture