If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
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Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas