fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Nice try, NASA
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Many hands make light work
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?